Random rant

After being hurt without knowing any reason,
he actually left.
and before he did, he actually was erased in my memories.

It's just hurt when I knew that he already moved on before me.

I mean maybe it's my fault that i run away first.

Maybe he just don't want to stay
Maybe he's just tired

No one knows.

But that's okay.

Both of us is okay 

Dear H

 Hey :)

After a while, I think it's time for me to move on. After all the tears that I've wasted, after all the sleepless night that I went through, after all the pain that I hold by myself -

It's time for me to let you go.

It's funny how hard I'm holding onto us but you don't have any effort to back me up. Honestly I don't know if I'm doing a right thing. But, I really hope this decision will make myself feel better, just like how I met you.

Meeting you, knowing you.
I never regret any of it. It's just sad how easy we become stranger again. After all the moments we share, the memories, the laughter, the pain, the stories. I will try to keep every single of it in my mind, even some of it hurts me a lot. 

You teach me a lot of thing and I'm really grateful to always hear your piece of mind every time you talk to me. After all, having the endless night talk with you, talking about random things, those morning and night calls, those wake up call just so you didn't miss your class, I already miss all of it since the day you decided to stop talking to me. It's hurt but I know this is for your own good. I'll try to be happy seeing you happy after this .

I honestly hope that I'll be happy lmao. I know my absence aren't something that will make you feel losing, so I can't say you'll be happier or whatever it is. I just hope you'll always be safe and just being you.

In those particular week, you made me feel something I never had before. I missed your voice, being nervous over a notification and your phone call since your ringtone is different from the others, waiting for the time to pass so I can call to wake you up, even just for a few second, waiting for the night to come so I can wish you a good night and you just went straight calling me just to share about random things you watched on Tiktok before I sleep. Those are my happy moments with you that I won't forget.

If you're reading this, I just can tell you that you held a special place in my heart, honestly. Before this, I'm trying so hard to moving on and it seems like I really can't and I do still putting hopes on you. But I know at one point I need to put a stop on this. I'm gonna get hurt in the end so I decide to stop running after you.

I'm gonna move on, from you :) Thank you for the memories, thank you for all the things that we've done. I never regret any of those. And you'll always be one of the best human being that I've ever met.

One day, if we actually met. I want to tell you how much I adore you before this. You held a special place and you still are until I found someone better than you HAHAHA.

For you,
h.

02.04.2021

 

If you already move on, please just tell me. I don't know what we are right now. I don't know if I should keep waiting for you or moving on. For some reason, it feels like you actually have someone else but you keep giving me hopes; telling me that you'll be there, telling me those sweet words, saying that somebody is still cared. Please, I don't know. Just tell me the real thing. Give me some word so I can clearly see what are we. I don't want to wait for something that I don't even know if it'll worth it, worth my time, worth my tears. Just, worth everything. It hurts me, honestly. I'm hurting and I don't know what to say about it anymore. At some point, you look happy and it hurts me seeing you happy by yourself, without me. And you're okay with that. While me, I'm a total mess, overthinker, just hurting seeing how someone I really hope to be okay with is happy by themselves. I know I shouldn't feel that way about someone. But this is you that we're talking about. 

You who makes me feel better,

You who actually at one point makes me feel my life is worth,

You who actually made me have a reason to wake up,

I don't know but I just need an answer.

Please.

Unspoken Words

 

I don't know how many times I repeat using this 
but 
I am tired.

I'm tired of those nagging,
tired with those temper,
tired with just living.

Sometimes I just hope I can stop breathing
but I know it won't be any better.
The afterlife is worst than anything.

I'm tired.

Very.

Holding on

I'm trying to hold on,
trying to keep myself alive,
trying to keep myself awake,
trying to make things right,
trying to show that I do worth something.

But things kinda messed up now.

I don't even have the motivation,
day by day eating is just for surviving,
sleepless night is something normal,
sleepy all day is just what I'm doing.

To say no one understand,
that's a big lie, my dear.

A lot of people is there,
waiting for you to open up,
being honest,
being naked with all your emotions.

But why can't you do it?

Even your mom already asked you,
"what's your problem?"

Why can't you just spill everything?
Just tell her and being honest?
Why does it so hard to tell them the truth?

Your emotions?
Honestly I don't even know if that's actually available.

I mean I do cry
I also get mad and jealous sometimes

But somehow it seems like I can't tell them how I feel honestly.

My mouth seems to be knitted so I can't talk.

honestly, I'm tired

Euphoria

 eu.pho.ri.a

(n.) a feeling or state of intense excitement and happiness

Happiness is an emotional state characterized by feelings of joy, satisfaction, contentment, and fulfilment. While happiness have many different definitions, it is often described as involving positive emotions and life satisfaction.

Kadang, rasa bahagia buat kau leka dengan kehidupan realiti sebenar,

Masalah dan kerja yang kena kau hadap.

Kebahagiaan buatkan kau buta sebentar,

Mengasingkan diri dari masalah, cuma untuk fokuskan diri untuk kejar kebahagiaan kau.

Tapi kau pasti ke bahagia tu berkekalan?

Manusia datang dan pergi,

Jadi kau tak seharusnya meletakkan harapan yang tinggi pada seseorang,

terutamanya untuk those people to stay for you until the end.

Kerana akhir kisah nanti, 

kau cuma ada kau seorang sahaja.

Mereka yang ada sekarang cuma memberi sokongan untuk kau,

mencoretkan memori dalam buku novel kehidupan kau,

meninggalkan ubat dan racun dalam perjalanan hidup kau,

menjadi pengajaran dan kekuatan dalam layaran masa hidup kau.

"Kau rasa kita boleh kekal sampai bila-bila ke?"

Adakah kau pasti kebahagiaan kau adalah dengan dia sampai bila-bila?

Kau pasti ke kau tak akan berubah hati?

Atau kau percaya ke suatu hari dia takkan tinggalkan kau?

Menarik semula kebahagiaan yang kau ada sekarang ?

.

Merasa bahagia bukan satu kesalahan,

bukan juga satu dosa sampai kau perlu rasa bersalah kerana kau rasa gembira.

Tapi, kau kena sentiasa beringat dengan diri sendiri.

Kebahagiaan yang ada sekarang bukan sampai bila-bila.

Letak limit dalam mencapai kebahagian, 

merasa kebahagian 

dan menikmati kebahagiaan.

Tapi, 

dari jauh aku juga akan sentisa mendoakan.

Kau yang membaca tulisan ini,

akan sentiasa bahagia dalam hidup kau.

Always have a cause for your euphoria.

Missing you

 

I'm not saying I am tired.
I'm not saying I am done either.

I'm in confusion with my own feeling, my own heart, my own emotion.

Sometimes, I wish I had alexithymia.
At least feeling won't hurt me cause I can't detect any of it.

You said you care,
You said you're hurting.
But your action told me the opposite.

Sometimes, I don't know if I can hold onto you anymore.

To be honest, we might fall apart

But until then I'll be trying to make your days better

I promised you I'll give you all the time you want.

I also promised you to not push you more than I should.

Now, it seems like the promises went from promises to barrier in between us.

Is it my fault to actually make the promises came true which eventually made the gap between us bigger?

Or is it you that actually now doing nothing about that and asking for the promises?

After all, I just can't put the blame on you.

No matter how much they told me you might do something wrong,

I still can't say it's your fault either.

cause at the same time it's also my part for making you confuse with your own feeling.

If we talk about suffer.

You told me about you're suffering and you never ask mine?

I barely sleep because I actually thought if there's somewhere that I might did wrong.

I cried almost every night cause for some reason it feels strange sleeping without talking to you.

I talked about it to my friends and they told me it's not my fault.

They told me that

I'm just confused.

We're just confused.

With our own feeling.

And that's what makes everything worst.

I need to straighten up my mind.

And for some reason, I really think I should take a break.

We should take a break.

Not gonna lie, 

I'm gonna miss you.

Taking a break doesn't mean that I will leave you.

It's just I'm gonna rethinking my decision about you.

About us.

Hey,

I really miss you though.

Miss our late night talks,

Random talks and rants,

Missing how we would tease each other and laughed it off,

You talking about your past,

Talking until 2 or 3 in the morning just because,

Wishing you every morning and night just so you knew I'm still alive,

Your call after every 'good night' text that I sent,

Yeah, I'm officially missing you :')