02.04.2021

 

If you already move on, please just tell me. I don't know what we are right now. I don't know if I should keep waiting for you or moving on. For some reason, it feels like you actually have someone else but you keep giving me hopes; telling me that you'll be there, telling me those sweet words, saying that somebody is still cared. Please, I don't know. Just tell me the real thing. Give me some word so I can clearly see what are we. I don't want to wait for something that I don't even know if it'll worth it, worth my time, worth my tears. Just, worth everything. It hurts me, honestly. I'm hurting and I don't know what to say about it anymore. At some point, you look happy and it hurts me seeing you happy by yourself, without me. And you're okay with that. While me, I'm a total mess, overthinker, just hurting seeing how someone I really hope to be okay with is happy by themselves. I know I shouldn't feel that way about someone. But this is you that we're talking about. 

You who makes me feel better,

You who actually at one point makes me feel my life is worth,

You who actually made me have a reason to wake up,

I don't know but I just need an answer.

Please.

Unspoken Words

 

I don't know how many times I repeat using this 
but 
I am tired.

I'm tired of those nagging,
tired with those temper,
tired with just living.

Sometimes I just hope I can stop breathing
but I know it won't be any better.
The afterlife is worst than anything.

I'm tired.

Very.

Holding on

I'm trying to hold on,
trying to keep myself alive,
trying to keep myself awake,
trying to make things right,
trying to show that I do worth something.

But things kinda messed up now.

I don't even have the motivation,
day by day eating is just for surviving,
sleepless night is something normal,
sleepy all day is just what I'm doing.

To say no one understand,
that's a big lie, my dear.

A lot of people is there,
waiting for you to open up,
being honest,
being naked with all your emotions.

But why can't you do it?

Even your mom already asked you,
"what's your problem?"

Why can't you just spill everything?
Just tell her and being honest?
Why does it so hard to tell them the truth?

Your emotions?
Honestly I don't even know if that's actually available.

I mean I do cry
I also get mad and jealous sometimes

But somehow it seems like I can't tell them how I feel honestly.

My mouth seems to be knitted so I can't talk.

honestly, I'm tired

Euphoria

 eu.pho.ri.a

(n.) a feeling or state of intense excitement and happiness

Happiness is an emotional state characterized by feelings of joy, satisfaction, contentment, and fulfilment. While happiness have many different definitions, it is often described as involving positive emotions and life satisfaction.

Kadang, rasa bahagia buat kau leka dengan kehidupan realiti sebenar,

Masalah dan kerja yang kena kau hadap.

Kebahagiaan buatkan kau buta sebentar,

Mengasingkan diri dari masalah, cuma untuk fokuskan diri untuk kejar kebahagiaan kau.

Tapi kau pasti ke bahagia tu berkekalan?

Manusia datang dan pergi,

Jadi kau tak seharusnya meletakkan harapan yang tinggi pada seseorang,

terutamanya untuk those people to stay for you until the end.

Kerana akhir kisah nanti, 

kau cuma ada kau seorang sahaja.

Mereka yang ada sekarang cuma memberi sokongan untuk kau,

mencoretkan memori dalam buku novel kehidupan kau,

meninggalkan ubat dan racun dalam perjalanan hidup kau,

menjadi pengajaran dan kekuatan dalam layaran masa hidup kau.

"Kau rasa kita boleh kekal sampai bila-bila ke?"

Adakah kau pasti kebahagiaan kau adalah dengan dia sampai bila-bila?

Kau pasti ke kau tak akan berubah hati?

Atau kau percaya ke suatu hari dia takkan tinggalkan kau?

Menarik semula kebahagiaan yang kau ada sekarang ?

.

Merasa bahagia bukan satu kesalahan,

bukan juga satu dosa sampai kau perlu rasa bersalah kerana kau rasa gembira.

Tapi, kau kena sentiasa beringat dengan diri sendiri.

Kebahagiaan yang ada sekarang bukan sampai bila-bila.

Letak limit dalam mencapai kebahagian, 

merasa kebahagian 

dan menikmati kebahagiaan.

Tapi, 

dari jauh aku juga akan sentisa mendoakan.

Kau yang membaca tulisan ini,

akan sentiasa bahagia dalam hidup kau.

Always have a cause for your euphoria.

Missing you

 

I'm not saying I am tired.
I'm not saying I am done either.

I'm in confusion with my own feeling, my own heart, my own emotion.

Sometimes, I wish I had alexithymia.
At least feeling won't hurt me cause I can't detect any of it.

You said you care,
You said you're hurting.
But your action told me the opposite.

Sometimes, I don't know if I can hold onto you anymore.

To be honest, we might fall apart

But until then I'll be trying to make your days better

I promised you I'll give you all the time you want.

I also promised you to not push you more than I should.

Now, it seems like the promises went from promises to barrier in between us.

Is it my fault to actually make the promises came true which eventually made the gap between us bigger?

Or is it you that actually now doing nothing about that and asking for the promises?

After all, I just can't put the blame on you.

No matter how much they told me you might do something wrong,

I still can't say it's your fault either.

cause at the same time it's also my part for making you confuse with your own feeling.

If we talk about suffer.

You told me about you're suffering and you never ask mine?

I barely sleep because I actually thought if there's somewhere that I might did wrong.

I cried almost every night cause for some reason it feels strange sleeping without talking to you.

I talked about it to my friends and they told me it's not my fault.

They told me that

I'm just confused.

We're just confused.

With our own feeling.

And that's what makes everything worst.

I need to straighten up my mind.

And for some reason, I really think I should take a break.

We should take a break.

Not gonna lie, 

I'm gonna miss you.

Taking a break doesn't mean that I will leave you.

It's just I'm gonna rethinking my decision about you.

About us.

Hey,

I really miss you though.

Miss our late night talks,

Random talks and rants,

Missing how we would tease each other and laughed it off,

You talking about your past,

Talking until 2 or 3 in the morning just because,

Wishing you every morning and night just so you knew I'm still alive,

Your call after every 'good night' text that I sent,

Yeah, I'm officially missing you :')

Reminiscence

reminiscence

rem-i-nis-cence

(n.) a story told about a past event remembered by the narrator

No matter how much you've tried.

No matter how much we've tried.

If the fate said we're not meant to  be together,

Then, we are not meant to be together.

and no matter how much you try to push each other..

If you're meant to be with them,

Then, you'll be with them.

In the end, it will always be fate that'll made us who we are,

that will make our stories,

that will create the memories,

no matter how much you want to forget it,

no matter how much you want to change it,

it will stay there.

The more you force yourself, the more it'll be hard for you to move on.

And no much how you hate them,

no matter how many tricks and dirty play you tried to push them away,

If fate still want you to be with them,

They will always be there for you.

whether to be the one for you to prank,

or to be the one to protect you when you need the most.

Sometimes life is just like a movie,

And sometimes it will be just unexpected as how you might can even think.

No matter what it is.

Everything is actually already written as your fate

"It has been proven in reminiscence, I will be lost.." 
.
[ Insomniacks - Reminisensi ]

LIE

Does it hurt others if you tell the truth?

This might seems harsh but sometimes telling people the truth is better than flattering and comforting them with lies.

Cause, it's even painful to know the truth after  a lot of lies.

especially when it's from someone who you fully trust.

So, hey.
It's better to tell the painful truth than you gave them a lot of beautiful lies.
It will surely hurt.
But at least, the pain isn't as painful as knowing the truth after years being lied on.

I am still the same person I was before

I am here, the same person I was from before,

but

An overgrown lie is trying to swallow me whole

Can you imagine the unbearable pain one need to go through,
especially after when they knew how much you lied just to make them feel better?

It would make everything worst.