Ghost

 I know things will be like this

like it or not, 

someone will go away.

It's either me or you.

It's funny at how fast I'm actually getting attach

and how you changed me.

Maybe I do have a crush on you.

First step, denial. Done.

Just how fast things change kan?

I'm trying to detach now !

Whatever it is,

knowing you is one of the best thing that happen in my life.

And i'm very thankful of that.

I miss you more than life.

2 0 2 2

 So, damn. It's 2022 already huh?

No words. Hope I'll be happy again, becoming a better me lol.

Dean list for first sem? Should we?

Rant

The trust I've had put on you.
I never thought that this will end earlier than I expected.
At the moment where I tried to learn to put all of my trust,
all of my efforts, all of my expectations on you.
That's when you decided to leave.

Maybe this is what they said, karma.
Things will happen just like how you treat people before.
Things will be easier if we didn't even met.
Things will be easier if we actually never know.

Things will be easier if I actually lower my expectation on you.

I should've never put any expectation on how serious you are with this.
Just how easy feelings changed?
Just how easy someone said they love and the next thing they said is they lost the feeling?
Just how easy someone actually put a lot of effort when they tried to make you theirs but saying 'let's break up' after all of the efforts?
Just how easy,
things changed with us?

Random rant

After being hurt without knowing any reason,
he actually left.
and before he did, he actually was erased in my memories.

It's just hurt when I knew that he already moved on before me.

I mean maybe it's my fault that i run away first.

Maybe he just don't want to stay
Maybe he's just tired

No one knows.

But that's okay.

Both of us is okay 

Dear H

 Hey :)

After a while, I think it's time for me to move on. After all the tears that I've wasted, after all the sleepless night that I went through, after all the pain that I hold by myself -

It's time for me to let you go.

It's funny how hard I'm holding onto us but you don't have any effort to back me up. Honestly I don't know if I'm doing a right thing. But, I really hope this decision will make myself feel better, just like how I met you.

Meeting you, knowing you.
I never regret any of it. It's just sad how easy we become stranger again. After all the moments we share, the memories, the laughter, the pain, the stories. I will try to keep every single of it in my mind, even some of it hurts me a lot. 

You teach me a lot of thing and I'm really grateful to always hear your piece of mind every time you talk to me. After all, having the endless night talk with you, talking about random things, those morning and night calls, those wake up call just so you didn't miss your class, I already miss all of it since the day you decided to stop talking to me. It's hurt but I know this is for your own good. I'll try to be happy seeing you happy after this .

I honestly hope that I'll be happy lmao. I know my absence aren't something that will make you feel losing, so I can't say you'll be happier or whatever it is. I just hope you'll always be safe and just being you.

In those particular week, you made me feel something I never had before. I missed your voice, being nervous over a notification and your phone call since your ringtone is different from the others, waiting for the time to pass so I can call to wake you up, even just for a few second, waiting for the night to come so I can wish you a good night and you just went straight calling me just to share about random things you watched on Tiktok before I sleep. Those are my happy moments with you that I won't forget.

If you're reading this, I just can tell you that you held a special place in my heart, honestly. Before this, I'm trying so hard to moving on and it seems like I really can't and I do still putting hopes on you. But I know at one point I need to put a stop on this. I'm gonna get hurt in the end so I decide to stop running after you.

I'm gonna move on, from you :) Thank you for the memories, thank you for all the things that we've done. I never regret any of those. And you'll always be one of the best human being that I've ever met.

One day, if we actually met. I want to tell you how much I adore you before this. You held a special place and you still are until I found someone better than you HAHAHA.

For you,
h.

02.04.2021

 

If you already move on, please just tell me. I don't know what we are right now. I don't know if I should keep waiting for you or moving on. For some reason, it feels like you actually have someone else but you keep giving me hopes; telling me that you'll be there, telling me those sweet words, saying that somebody is still cared. Please, I don't know. Just tell me the real thing. Give me some word so I can clearly see what are we. I don't want to wait for something that I don't even know if it'll worth it, worth my time, worth my tears. Just, worth everything. It hurts me, honestly. I'm hurting and I don't know what to say about it anymore. At some point, you look happy and it hurts me seeing you happy by yourself, without me. And you're okay with that. While me, I'm a total mess, overthinker, just hurting seeing how someone I really hope to be okay with is happy by themselves. I know I shouldn't feel that way about someone. But this is you that we're talking about. 

You who makes me feel better,

You who actually at one point makes me feel my life is worth,

You who actually made me have a reason to wake up,

I don't know but I just need an answer.

Please.

Unspoken Words

 

I don't know how many times I repeat using this 
but 
I am tired.

I'm tired of those nagging,
tired with those temper,
tired with just living.

Sometimes I just hope I can stop breathing
but I know it won't be any better.
The afterlife is worst than anything.

I'm tired.

Very.